This is one of the strangest days for me … going back to work. It’s just for one full, single, stand alone day, but it’s my first full day away from my 8 month old baby. Ahhhh! Sure, I’ve been away from Joshua every Wednesday night when I go for long kriya, and also for many Saturdays when I’ve popped out for a massage, but that’s been for 2 hours max, so the thought of being away from 9am to 6pm feels really weird.
Yesterday I had a sore tummy all day, a really sore tummy. I can’t remember the last time my tummy hurt like that. It just doesn’t happen. I don’t know if it was from something I ate or if it was just nerves, but I’m so glad it’s gone. In the evening Simon made me a hot water bottle and I drank camomile tea, licorice tea and a bit of apple cider vinegar in water (all good for sore tummies). It helped, a bit, but I finally decided there was only thing for it – sleep. And it worked.
So today Simon’s taken the day off work to look after Joshi while I go into the city to run a Stress Management stand at a big corporate event. As I’m writing this I’m sitting on the bus heading into the city. I can confidently say I’ve done all I can (I think! I hope!) to make sure Joshi has enough boobie milk for the day. I’ve been expressing for the past week, just a bit every day, about 50mls or so. So there’s about 350mls of boobie milk in the fridge right now. (What a mission all that expressing is. I’m glad I don’t have to do it regularly – boiling all those boobie pump bits to make sure they’re sterilized. Actually, now that I’m well practiced at it, it’s not so bad). Ok, I admit, I’m a bit anxious that there won’t be enough boobie milk, because really, as a breastfed baby, I don’t know exactly much milk he actually consumes in one day. And he’s not yet taking in many solids. Also, how much boobie milk he has daily depends on what’s going on – like if he’s teething he tends to feed more frequently. Well, I’m on my to work now, there’s no more expressing I can do.
8 hours later …
Wow. That took me by surprise. As I was nearing the city I actually started feeling excited about the day. At the same time, it also felt quite strange – walking down the street like that, all dressed up in my work clothes rather than my usual milky, spewy, mucky covered mamma casuals. It was weird standing alone at the traffic light, no baby wrapped against my chest. But still – I was excited. The day went so well. I enjoyed speaking with all the people who came for a session. And despite the sleep deprivation that I live with, I felt really centred and full of energy. What made all the difference too was Simon sending through these really cute pictures of all the boys things they were getting up to. So thoughtful. I could see they were doing just fine and I didn’t get any ‘oh no, we’re short of milk!’messages. Phew.
Although I’d had a great day, at 5pm I left that building in a flash. I was so excited to go home to see my boys. (And my new Dolly Parton boobies were really looking forward to it too! I didn’t express anytime during the day and by now they were ridiculously full). When I got to the bus stop my bus was just pulling in and I was home in 20 minutes. As I rounded the corner into the living room Simon as standing there, holding Joshi in his arms. He gave me that little shy look and caste a little smile my way and then reached his arms out to me as I stepped closer. And then it happened. As I cradled him in my arms I entered this incredible bubble. How Joshi was being when I held him in my arms was nothing less than divine. His eyes so big and wide, emanating such wonderment and love as he gazed up at me. I just melted. And a few tears fell from my eyes onto his little body. It was almost worth going away for a whole day just to soak that intensely in those sweet moments of pure, unconditional love. Ahhhh, mammahood. It sure feels super extra special today.
PS. Had to chuck out 100mls of boobie milk. (Rather that than being short though, hey!).
PPS. I feel much more confident now about leaving Joshi for more than 2 hours. I must say – it’s quite liberating, knowing I can do it if I need to.
PPPS. It’s got me wondering … what’s it like for those mammas who go back to work full-time and have to leave their babies with strangers?